I’ve done it for the wrong reasons. I’ve done it for others. I’ve done it to prove a point. Sometimes I’ve done too much, sometimes not enough. Now, I’m doing it to be healthy for me and my 3 sons.
I’m getting in shape and getting to a healthy weight. When I was younger, I was told I was fat (I wasn’t). When I wouldn’t eat what I was ‘supposed to’, I was punished. In my marriage, I was called names & put down if I wasn’t ‘perfect’. When I was too skinny, I was told I looked ‘great’, but I was unhealthy. I’ve weighed over 200 lbs and I’ve weighed close to 100. I’ve lost weight to ‘impress’ and I’ve gained to ‘hide’.
I used to look in the mirror at 110 lbs and think I was grossly overweight…that was if I could actually stand to look at myself in the mirror. Words I heard over & over had an impact on how I viewed myself. I was told things like, “you’re fat & no one likes fat girls”. In my mind, I was obese. In reality, I was athletic, active and right where I was supposed to be. After I was sexually abused, I didn’t want anyone to look at me so I hid behind baggy sweatshirts & jeans. I lost weight, I gained. Each time, people treated me differently based on what size I was. Each time, I let them decide who I was.
The scale began to control my self-image and my self-esteem.
Now, it doesn’t control anything.
I’m losing weight again. But now I’m doing it right and now I’m doing it for all the right reasons. I care about me. I care about being around for my guys. I care about enjoying life. I care about watching my guys become men, get married, have kids and all that fun stuff. I’m not worried about what others think or what the scale says. I know I’m a good person with a good heart and I’m starting to treat myself like I am. It’s time.
So, I work out 5-6 days a week. I’ve hired a trainer to ‘kick my butt’. I eat healthy and sleep well. I say ‘no’ to a lot more things people want me to do and ‘yes’ to things I want. I realize rejection isn’t always my fault and walking away from toxic people is ok. I look at the little things, take time to simply stop and I thank God for 3 incredible young men. I want to be healthy, not skinny. I can’t control how others treat me, but I can decide how I treat them. I want to wear fun clothes, do crazy things and put a smile on other people’s faces that comes from my heart.
I’m “fired up”. I’m excited, ready & looking forward to all that lies ahead. Doing it right feels great!