Doing it right

I’ve done it for the wrong reasons. I’ve done it for others. I’ve done it to prove a point. Sometimes I’ve done too much, sometimes not enough. Now, I’m doing it to be healthy for me and my 3 sons.

I’m getting in shape and getting to a healthy weight. When I was younger, I was told I was fat (I wasn’t). When I wouldn’t eat what I was ‘supposed to’, I was punished. In my marriage, I was called names & put down if I wasn’t ‘perfect’. When I was too skinny, I was told I looked ‘great’, but I was unhealthy. I’ve weighed over 200 lbs and I’ve weighed close to 100. I’ve lost weight to ‘impress’ and I’ve gained to ‘hide’.

I used to look in the mirror at 110 lbs and think I was grossly overweight…that was if I could actually stand to look at myself in the mirror. Words I heard over & over had an impact on how I viewed myself. I was told things like, “you’re fat & no one likes fat girls”. In my mind, I was obese. In reality, I was athletic, active and right where I was supposed to be. After I was sexually abused, I didn’t want anyone to look at me so I hid behind baggy sweatshirts & jeans. I lost weight, I gained. Each time, people treated me differently based on what size I was. Each time, I let them decide who I was.

The scale began to control my self-image and my self-esteem.

Now, it doesn’t control anything.

I’m losing weight again. But now I’m doing it right and now I’m doing it for all the right reasons. I care about me. I care about being around for my guys. I care about enjoying life. I care about watching my guys become men, get married, have kids and all that fun stuff. I’m not worried about what others think or what the scale says. I know I’m a good person with a good heart and I’m starting to treat myself like I am. It’s time.

So, I work out 5-6 days a week. I’ve hired a trainer to ‘kick my butt’. I eat healthy and sleep well. I say ‘no’ to a lot more things people want me to do and ‘yes’ to things I want. I realize rejection isn’t always my fault and walking away from toxic people is ok. I look at the little things, take time to simply stop and I thank God for 3 incredible young men. I want to be healthy, not skinny. I can’t control how others treat me, but I can decide how I treat them.  I want to wear fun clothes, do crazy things and put a smile on other people’s faces that comes from my heart.

I’m “fired up”. I’m excited, ready & looking forward to all that lies ahead. Doing it right feels great!

Time out!

Yes, I’m still here! Like in sports, sometimes we simply need to take a ‘time out’. A time out used to reflect, regroup, renew and then get back into the game. The past few months have been that for me. It has been easier to give a few ‘sound bites’ through twitter than to share all that’s been rattling around in my brain. It’s not that I have been vacationing in the Caribbean (though that would have been nice!) and I’m not sitting around eating bon-bons (though I have had my share of chocolate!). I’ve simply taken a break from blogging. But, now it’s time to get ‘back in the game’!

Since I last blogged, we’ve gone on vacation to Disney World & Universal Studios,  I adopted a Jack Russell terrier and I’ve reflected on all that’s happened since making the move to Ohio. My oldest son is nearing 21 yrs old, my middle son has started college and my youngest is counting the days until he can drive! I’ve realized that things aren’t always as they seem, friends don’t always mean what they say, and a lot of people only care when it affects them. I’ve also realized that real caring takes place below the surface and under the radar, though most people want to live in the limelight. I’ve checked my own motives and challenged my own heart.

I resigned from my ‘River Kids Specialist’ position at RC3 because I found that although what I was doing was important, it didn’t allow me to pursue the continued call I’ve had to reach struggling, hurting people and to help those who are where I once was get to where I am today. I’ll be working on some new things related to this at Rivers Crossing! I’m continuing to do home health physical therapy. Working with people (all types of people), in their homes (all types of homes) has allowed me define not only my desire to help people, but it has presented me with some awesome ministry opportunities.

I’ve also been ‘digesting’ the fact that my kids are growing up, I’m ‘approaching’ middle age and life continues to pick up speed as it passes by. I’ve realized that even if friends care, they may not always know what’s best. I’ve been disappointed and tempted to retreat back into a safe, mask-covered life, but I’ve also been surprised by unexpected support and connections when vulnerability and stories are exposed. We’ve been through a few trials and I’ve been overwhelmed by how my amazing little boys have become incredible, thoughtful and loving young men.

So, today I step back into blogging with stories yet to be told, a new perspective on life and many new challenges and adventures ahead. I hope you’ll continue to join me as I continue along, experiencing the journey.

Family project and block party!

Last Saturday, Rivers Crossing kicked off our Summer of Impact with a great Family Project & Block Party! I checked the weather forecast while looking at the very dark sky at about 9:00 AM. The forecast was not good. In fact, the prediction was 100% chance of rain by noon, right in the middle of our entire project & party! Here’s the ‘crazy thing’…it rained ALL around us, within just a few miles…and it never rained on us! Everything came together and  it was perfect.

It was a great day! We worked, played, danced, ate and had an awesome time. It was a day for fun, beautifying the neighborhood and building relationships. We had a balloon guy, an air brush tattoo artist, hoola hoops, a DJ, lots of food, the ice cream truck and of course, we pulled weeds, mowed lawns and planted flowers. The entire street came out and the place was rockin!

Here are a few pictures of the day:

A great family project!

What do you get when you put families, flowers, food & fun all together?It’s the Rivers Crossing Community Church Family Project!!

We ended our ‘We Want a New Family’ series with sign-ups for the first event for our Summer of Impact. Tomorrow it all happens! We have 20-25 families from RC3 partnering with 20-25 families who live in a nearby town in municipal housing to build relationships, plant flowers, beautify the neighborhood and have a big block party together! This is a project for families to serve together so all ages are helping! Since part of my job is organizing volunteers, I’ve been busy!!

We have 250+ flowers, mulch and all the landscape ‘stuff’,  along with edgers, mowers & weed trimmers. After we finish planting, we’re having a block party, complete with food, DJ, airbrush tattoos and balloon creations! We’re planning on tons of people, lots of kids and even more fun!!

I love helping to organize this stuff!! It’s going to be great!!

I love being Mom

May 1999′s calendar looks a lot like May 2010′s. My life in May 1999 looked a lot different than it does in May 2010.

May 7th-9th in both years was Mother’s Day weekend. That weekend in 1999 I ‘officially’ became a single mom of 3 little boys. This weekend in 2010 I’m declaring myself ‘officially’ the proudest single mom of 3 incredible young men. It hasn’t always been easy, but then again, is being a parent ever always easy? The times we’ve spent together, the memories we’ve shared & the men they’ve become has always been worth it!

What have we learned?

• it’s not the miles I put on my car as a hockey mom… it’s the conversations we’ve had in the car with no other distractions
• it’s not that I learned to put a worm on a hook without touching it… it’s them knowing I’ll figure it out for them
• it’s not me being the perfect Mom… in fact, it’s them learning that I’m not
• it’s not about ‘saving face’ and hiding my faults… it’s letting them see them & how to change
• it’s not the number of times in the emergency rooms, the number of bandaids used or how many long nights awake with sick kids…it’s them knowing Mom can handle it when they can’t
• it’s not what movies we’ve watched…it’s the movie nights we’ve shared together
• it’s not about who does the dishes…it’s that those dishes were used every night together at the same dinner table
• it’s not just about ‘what’ was done…it’s about learning to be honest to confess it was
• it’s not about awards or recognition or grades or jobs…it’s the integrity and character that gets you there, regardless of the situation
• it’s not about what anyone else has done to me or to them…it’s about forgiveness and serving others
• it’s not about being able to catch them every time they fall…it’s them knowing I’m the one they can call when they do
• it’s not hanging on and clinging to every moment…it’s letting go & watching them fly…

I love my guys. They are 3 intelligent, talented, strong young men with integrity & amazing character who love God and they make me proud to be their Mom.

Tim, Matt & Dan…I love you…and I love being your Mom!!

Friend? ‘Family’?

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately. Friends, acquaintances,’ family’, co-workers…call it what you want, but the test of who you really care about and who really ‘loves’ you often comes when needed the most.

Sometimes a song says it all…

Who needs you today? Who needs me? What are we waiting for?