Disclaimer: This is part of ‘my story’. It’s honest & real and it’s told because there are other people out there who continue to struggle with their past. My prayer is that God will use my experiences to connect with these people. If you are one of these people, hang in there. Healing & forgiving really can happen…
Do you know any 9 year olds? Nine year olds are growing, yet still ‘little kids. They’re innocent, play with toys & are just beginning to step out…but not too far.
I was 9 years old when I first thought about killing myself.
I felt hated. I felt unwanted. I was told I was worthless & “would never amount to anything”. I had been sexually abused for years and emotionally & physically abused forever. It’s not that I wanted to die. I just wanted it all to stop.
It was ‘one of those days’, a day like so many. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had already been taking alcohol out of the kitchen cupboard & I had already learned that would numb everything. I knew where all the medicines were. That day I had been yelled at, hit multiple times & told ‘why can’t you be like…’ again. I opened the cupboard & took out a mini shot-sized bottle of whiskey then walked to the drawer that held the medicines. After grabbing a bottle of aspirin (I don’t know why I reached for that but I thought it would work), I swallowed a handful, drank the whiskey, locked myself in my bedroom…and waited to die. In my 9 year old head, that was going to happen.
Not much happened. I didn’t die. In fact, to this day, I’ve never told this story because no one ever found out. Instead of stopping it all, life went on. A little time passed, my mother called out for me to do something and when I didn’t respond, she came to my bedroom door. I knew it was too late to try any more then. I had failed. Finding the door locked, I was in trouble again, hit again, put down again…the cycle continued.
I remember thinking that I had screwed up one more time. I couldn’t even kill myself. My parents words echoed in my head, “such a loser”, “can’t do anything right”, “no one will ever love you”.
In my 9 year old brain, those words were true. Those words were all I knew.
Rindy, thanks for sharing your story. God is going to use this for His glory, to help those who need to know exactly what you have to share. I’ll be praying…
Rindy, thanks for sharing your story. It is nothing short of amazing how God can change a life and use it to help another through us.
God Bless