Part of the journey

Disappointment, frustration, anger, excitement, anticipation, overwhelmed, loneliness and confidence are all emotions I’m feeling these days. Last July we arrived in Cincinnati, had sold nearly everything we owned, left all the people we had ever known, I resigned from a secure well-paying job, and we walked into an “unknown”, yet we never doubted it was exactly what we were supposed to be doing. Nine months later we face another “unknown”. We came here called to help start a new church, Walls Down Church. Today, we publicly announce that Walls Down will not happen as planned.

You can read about Paul’s decision on his blog. So much of what we have done could have turned out differently and could have been extremely “successful”. There have been mistakes, but everyone who is anybody in church planting kept telling us we were doing so much right and that we were doing all the right things to make an impact and reach people. So why isn’t it happening? It’s a question I ask God every day.

Personally, I don’t know what will happen next. We (my boys and me) continue to feel that God called us here. We have never doubted that! I have learned and acquired an incredible amount of knowledge and skills, and have discovered gifts I never knew even existed! Where this goes is yet to now be seen. What I do know is that the skills, gifts, and experiences will not be wasted!

I was once very broken, lost, living a “double life”, hurting, and barely making it through each and every day. Today I live with a peace regardless of circumstance, a calm no matter what unknown lies ahead, and a sense of worth and purpose even if all seems to be falling apart. I will spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I was get to where I am today. In that there is no doubt! That’s a promise and a vision I believe in. I wrote this post From whispers to shouts the day before I made my decision to be a part of Walls Down Church. I still believe it.

Practically, what does this all look like right now? I’ve met, visited, and connected with many church planters and many churches over the past 2 years. What I know is that every one of them has things that they “wish they could get done” or just can’t get to because of lack of time, resources, or people. I know I can help! I’m in the process of offering the knowledge and skills that I’ve acquired to help “fill the gaps”. If those “gaps” can help equip other churches to reach more people, then let’s fill them! At this point, it’s completely volunteer with no expectation of income, but if I have the ability to help, I can’t sit back and wait! My guys and I have been attending weekend services at another nearby church plant and will be “plugging in” with volunteering and service there. I will also continue to pursue becoming a pastor and leave every door open. I want to reach the people that no one else can, the ones that others back away from and those that have nowhere else to turn. I don’t know what any of this looks like, so I keep stepping forward.

“Common sense” would say to get a physical therapy job, make a lot of money and get some “security”. The physical therapy job I have right now is temporary, filling in for a maternity leave, for a couple months only. We’re living on a budget that is at the national poverty level…and we’re still ok. Sure, I’m hoping that funds will “appear”, but we continue whether that happens or not.

Yes, I just bought a house…I made the decision even after Paul told me we were done. Because I don’t know what lies ahead, it was a decision not taken lightly. If God keeps us here, I need to give my guys stability and a home that they can “have ownership” in. Because I won’t be employed, right now was the time to get a loan and reduce my budget even further per month. It’s an investment also—and if God calls us elsewhere, the deal I got on it and the work I’m doing will increase the value quickly. I have no plans to leave, but if we’re called to go somewhere else, we will go…and I trust that God will call not only me, but it will be clear to my guys also, and it will all come together (so if you have an offer, let me know! ).

How do I really feel? I’m scared, yet not worried. I’m crushed, yet not broken. Plain and simply it’s hard. There are times when I feel so alone and lost, and other times when I feel the excitement of what God might have planned next. It’s a rollercoaster ride like no other, covering every emotion possible, sometimes all in the same day! Here’s what I know…I look ahead and have hope. Not long ago I would have gotten in my car, grabbed a bottle, and driven fast contemplating crossing the line into the path of an oncoming tractor-trailer. I would have called myself a “complete worthless failure” and relived all the things I was told my entire life. That’s not me anymore.

Today I don’t know what tomorrow brings…and that’s ok. I’m ready to Jump In, and Cross the Line. I want to be Fearless and stay out of The big comfy chair. I’ve always had the desire and hope that “someday” I could make a difference in people’s lives. Today I have the knowledge and skills and am emotionally, spiritually, and physically equipped for it to happen. I don’t know what it all looks like or when it will happen, but it will happen. I trust and keep stepping forward as God leads. Right now it’s the only thing I can do.

So thank you for supporting and traveling with us. When one chapter ends, another begins. I hope you will continue to experience life with us and see where this all goes. There will be ups and downs, but every thing that happens is all just part of the journey…