How do you meet people? How do you build relationships? My guess is that you probably aren’t thinking about these questions, but lately I have been looking for these answers.
When I lived in NY, it was a small “city” surrounded by rural towns, and I had lived in the area my entire life. Through my job I worked in or with almost every school district in a 3 county area, I attended a large church where I was in positions that enabled me to meet most of the people, I coached hockey and soccer meeting 100’s of parents and kids, and was active in the community and schools. To top this off, I have a name that is uncommon so if I ever had contact with anyone over a span of 40+ years, my name stuck with them. When I met anyone new, either our paths had crossed at some point or we quickly found someone we knew in common. Conversations could easily shift beyond small talk.
Moving to Cincinnati, I never realized the impact of that situation! I was a “nobody”, didn’t know how to meet people, and didn’t know how to take it beyond small talk or how to begin to build relationships. Tack on the fact that I was now much more aware of ways that I had related that I really didn’t want to continue. I was starting with a blank slate, which was both exciting and terrifying! I only knew that this was my chance to learn and do it the right way, right from the beginning.
I’m learning that it is actually very easy, when you don’t know anyone, to remain anonymous. It’s harder to meet people and build relationships! I need to be intentional in building relationships. To get started, I need “the 3 P’s” (stealing this from Paul):
- Proximity: I need to be around people to meet people!
- Plan: Identify where I can meet people and the best times to meet them
- Pattern: People are creatures of habit and routine. A routine increases familiarity with the same people and opens doors to communicating.
Then what? How do I make the jump from saying “hi” to building a relationship? Again, I need to be intentional about what I am going to do and how I’m going to do it! Here’s what I came up with:
Meet, value, engage, value, invite: The key is adding value to them and two “rules” apply:
- It’s all about THEM!
- LISTEN more than talk!
And here’s what it looks like:
- Meet
- Look at them and find common ground
- Connect with them by name (e.g. “I don’t think I’ve met you yet, my name is Rindy…”)
- Value–people want to know what they say and do matters
- Comment on THEM–look for something to build them up, be positive, and encouraging
- Initiate the conversation and don’t talk about ME!
- Engage–when we notice and listen to their lives, they have a vested interest
- Conversation about THEM
- Don’t talk specifically about me or my life–if asked, keep it brief and turn it back to let them talk
- Fight the urge to take over the conversation with my own experiences
- Value–look for specific ways to build them up, to reinforce and encourage the positive, and add value to them (e.g. “You must be proud when your kids…”, “I like how you…”)
- Invite
- Take the next step–whether it’s meeting for coffee, chatting again at the next fitness class, or inviting them to do something we have in common
- Get specific–time and place
- e.g. “So when do you want to go kayaking…?”, “I love chatting with you, let’s grab lunch…”
All of this might sound “planned” and that’s ok. John Maxwell writes in his book Winning with People, “People who add value to others almost always do so intentionally.” I want to be a person who adds value and if that takes a plan to do it, that’s what I’ll do!!
What do you think? What works for you in building relationships?
Filed under: Church planting, Friends, Friendship, Leadership, Ministry, My Life, Walls Down Church | Tagged: Church planting, Friendship, Leadership, Ministry, Walls Down Church
Phenomenal post!
[...] We are spending a lot of time building relationships in our community. This is quite a venture and we are being very intentional about how we go about it. Rindy has written a phenomenal blog post about how we’re going about it. Go over to her blog a… [...]
Very helpful. I also have a hard time moving from small talk to authentic relationships.
Thanks Rindy.
I think authenticity goes a LOOOOONG way in building relationships as well… And having a balance of sharing and listening.
I experienced the same thing you’re talking about when we moved to seminary. Suddenly, we were nobodies. We were the same as everyone else around us. And getting plugged in took some intentionality and patience… LOTS of intentionality and patience.
I love this post.. It’s so perfect in which my life is in.
It was written amazingly.
I love the value and engage.
It’s hard too at times, to engage, because we are so busy.
Thanks Rindy
Love ya Girl
[...] How To Meet New People Good post here. [...]
I like the ideas you present here and they can be helpful in building new relationships. I have moved numerous times in my life, both for school and work. Most of the time I went to a new place by myself. So I have had to build new relationships, in new places, many times.
I found it takes a lot of effort to meet new people and build relationships. I have to take the initiative, just about every time. This is part of the 3 P’s I guess. I had to find where people I wanted to meet would be and then go there. It is not always easy. If I am not familiar with the area, it can be a pain to go figure out how to get somewhere. I also feel I am the odd man out, whatever the social situation, when I am someplace new. I simply do not know who knows who or what their relationships are, so I don’t know where anyone fits in – myself included.
At times I can get frustrated and this can make me lazy. If I am not meeting people I am clicking with it can become easier to make excuses for not taking the effort to get out of the house.
Once I am in the right place (the 3P’s are handled) then I have to “work the room.” The list of things you mention is good. I think making a conscious decision to do what you are talking about will lead you to discovering what works best for you and your personality. I also need to remain open to new things. If someone invites me to do something I am not particularly fond of, I may need to go anyway. Another thing I find helpful is to tell people I am new – to the area, to the group, or whatever is appropriate for situation. Don’t you find you want to be nice to people that are new? I do, and lots of other people react to that information the same way I do.
At times I had to not be trying to make friends and turn my getting out and meeting people into an opportunity to be of service. I would talk to people with a mindset of trying to find opportunities to help others. This is a great thing to do, for many reasons. You can learn a lot about someone, and they can get to know you, if you simply focus on trying to be of maximum service to others.
One other big thing in moving – you probably have no long term relationships with anyone in the local area. This will not change until you are able to begin some relationships and maintain them for a period of time. This fact can be harsh, and difficult. I typically would hit a wall at around 6 to 9 months after I moved somewhere new. I would feel lonely and isolated. I came to understand this was because I was really missing, and in some ways craving, having a good friend to be able to hang out with. To just spend time with someone who knew me well.
Unfortunately having a long term relationship only comes with having spent a lot of time with someone. Experiencing life, dealing with ups and downs, helping each other out, etc. can happen over time. Nothing can replace time but the sooner you get started trying to make new friends, the sooner you will be on your way to having a good long term relationship.
To end on a positive note….I have made some great friends in all of the places I have lived. Some of these friendships have even endured after physical proximity ended. I felt like I had to work at it but the rewards were, and still are, well worth the trouble.
[...] We spent a ton of time, energy, and money working to build a core group. We had picnics, small groups, core group services, one-on-one meals, and vision casting meetings. We marketed through fliers, door hangers, road signs, Facebook, MySpace, blogs, website, business cards, and word of mouth. We developed a plan to meet people, build relationships, and when appropriate invite them to join us. (Rindy wrote about it here.) [...]