Recently I was asked to give a ride to a young pastor to attend a class we’re both taking. The drive is nearly 3 hours away and it would save on gas money for both of us. Though I would like to help, I have to say no. Why? The answer is simple: he is male, and I’m not.
Paul and I are the only ones on the church planting staff for Walls Down Church, which means we spend a lot of time working together…but we are never alone. The reason is simple: he is male, and I’m not.
Now, you might say that the young pastor is just a “kid” and Paul is happily married to his wonderful wife, Sherri, and you would be totally right on both accounts. So what’s the problem? The answer is simple: they are male, and I’m not.
One of our policies for leading at Walls Down Church is very simple: don’t be alone with anyone of the opposite sex. One slip, one perception, or one person looking for opportunity can tear down a ministry. It might be someone on staff, a volunteer, or even someone completely outside the church. Although there are no guarantees to prevention, we can reduce the risk. We work hard to model this policy. It’s not about me, it’s not about Paul, and it’s not about anyone who will join the staff. The reason is simple: there have been too many examples of ministries collapsing because of temptations, accusations, or perceptions and we’re not willing to take that chance.
Our office is in Paul and Sherri’s house. We need to work together. We often travel to the same places and meet with the same people. We are also friends and our families do things together. So what does this look like every day?
- we travel in separate cars wherever we go (and yes, it may mean following right behind)
- we meet only in public places
- if I’m working at the office (in their house), Sherri is always home
- if Sherri needs to leave the house, then either Paul or I also leave (even if we’re in the middle of working)
- if I need to drop something to Paul, or he needs to drop something to me at my house, we either wait until someone else is home or meet at the door, stand outside, drop it off and leave
I’m used to being around guys. I coached ice hockey, I love sports and adventure which often means being around many men, and I’ve had very good friends who happen to be male. I don’t think anything of it. Being in ministry doesn’t change that, but it does make me stop and evaluate each situation and build in buffers to maintain a policy in which we strongly believe.
This policy creates inconvenience. It often costs money and it requires a great deal of flexibility in scheduling. Sometimes it’s a pain, at times it seems extreme, and often it’s tempting to say “it’s no big deal”, yet when we step back at look at what has happened in too many places too many times, the inconvenience is worth it.
Filed under: Church planting, Leadership, Ministry, My Life | Tagged: Church planting, Leadership, Ministry, My Life
Rindy, While I appreciate your honesty in all of this and the truth as to what it can do to a church, seeing as how I have been a member of one of “Those” churches in the past. I do have to ask, How will this affecting the potential of you meeting a future MR. ??? I mean if you are not allowed to be alone with anyone out of any area of the church that is male how will you know if a person well enough to become a couple or to even start dating? Just curious, I do agree with your message to a point, but some things can be taken a little too far!
Rindy I think you are wise in this decision. It may appear over the top but we just can’t let our guard down. When we think we’re immune to something, that’s when we are blindsided. Billy Graham followed this philosophy and to my knowledge, there has never been a scandal of that nature in his ministry. And his reputation is intact.
I’ve been in both types of church situations (with policies and without) – I have 3 words for you – Wise Wise Wise! I know it seems like an overkill sometimes, but it’s worth it! I used to follow a female staff member 30 minutes to a staff meeting! Never regretted it! I once made a woman sit in the back of my car, with my kids, just to be above reproach! Thanks for the insight!
Excellent policies. In over 20 years of ministry, I tried to follow quite similar ones and found that it is much easier to build trusting spiritual relationships if you show you are mindful of physical boundaries.
I’m glad to read this. I have the same policy. It’s certainly hard given that I am in a male-dominated field. Now I have broken the policy in certain situations. But because my husband knows that I try very hard, he is appreciative.
@Scott–thanks for thinking of me!
This is for leaders in the church, both as reducing risk and for modeling for the rest of the church. As this is processed thru scenarios, here’s what I get:
-the majority of leaders in churches are married—dating not an issue and shouldn’t be alone with the opposite sex anyway!
-if I were to begin dating someone, anyone in the church or not, initial “getting to know each other” shouldn’t be done alone for anyone (church leader or not)
-we’re not saying there needs to be “a chaperone”…being in public is not being alone
-even if I am dating someone, is there really anything that I can’t do in a public place or where people are around…the only things I can’t, probably shouldn’t be done anyway!
-if leaders are committed to their calling/responsibility in the church, this doesn’t seem to be as big of a “sacrifice” to ask. It’s that important.
-it might take a bit of rethinking situations and some inconvenience, but a relationship meant to be will handle it
Rindy,
I had a very interesting conversation with Leath Anderson about this exact topic. He says that this is often an unrealistic expectation for the people of today’s world. Often co-workers are forced to travel together for work, go out of town together for meetings and have luncheon engagements with people of the opposite sex.
He also said that if people are going to be unfaithful they will be…whether they eat together….drive together or not. He used Ted Haggert as his example to us.
He talks to his staff about accountability but even that doesn’t always guarantee faithfulness. He sort of rocked our luncheon conversation with his perspective. For him the bottom line is to set an example that today’s people can follow…for many driving in separate vehicles and not doing lunch together is impossible.
Thought I would drop his perspective on your lap. I’m still mulling it over myself.