Stages of Forgiveness (Part 2)

If being able to recognize what has occurred is the first step toward forgiveness, then understanding how the hurt has affected you is the next logical step. Some associations between what happened and how you are affected are relatively straight forward. For instance, if a friend lies to you, you probably wouldn’t readily take the chance to trust them again. If you are rejected, you may “build walls” for self-protection, or at the other end of the spectrum you may become very attached, never taking the chance of losing again.

The possibilities of effects are endless. How have you been influenced by your experiences?

• How is your self-esteem?–worth, confidence, believing in yourself, self-doubt?
• What coping skills have you learned?–prayer, communication, alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, self-injury, anger outbursts?
• What is the quality of your relationships?–dependent, distant, never able to say no, controlling, trusting, superficial?
• Is there a”domino effect” (treating others the way you were treated)–abusive, passive, spiteful, angry, controlling?
• Do you attempt to control your world and those in it?
• Do you constantly try to please others? –do what they want, go above and beyond with service? (so not to let them down, so they will like you)
• Are you extremely sensitive to rejections, dishonesty, criticisms, others reactions to anything you say or do?–turn it inward and put yourself down if you feel these in the slightest ways?
• What about love? Do you feel you can be loved? Are you constantly searching for someone to love you? Have you given up on being loved or loving?–rejection, dependence, distance?
• Do you struggle with medical issues related to the circumstances? depression, anxiety, PTSD, dissociation?

You may experience one or many of these. An honest look is not meant to place more blame, but to increase understanding and reason for your actions and feelings. By looking at how and why we have reacted the way we have, we may begin to see that the person who hurt us may also have reasons (right or wrong, they are still reasons). It opens the door for seeing another point of view beyond our own pain.

A couple of warnings…recognizing how extensive the hurt and effects are may at first increase anger, bitterness, and blame. The more the effects, the harder it may be to let go. The other warning is that you may not realize all the ramificatins at once. You may believe you have it “all figured out” until a seemingly unrelated situation arises which connects back to the original hurt. You may discover you are still hurt by circumstances as they arise and more side effects are acknowledged.

Before you decide it’s all just “too much” to overcome and handle, taking an honest inventory of how others have hurt us may reveal that not all is negative. Dealing with overwhelmingly hurtful circumstances may help us to develop independence, courage, determination, strength in difficult times, and the ability to persevere. It may also teach us that we need strength beyond ourselves. As it says in Romans 5:3-4, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation” (NLT).

When we acknowledge the infliction and comprehend the extent of the effects, we are able to more fully and completely move toward true forgiveness. The next step is understanding what forgiveness is, and what it’s not.