Vulnerability exposed

I’ve been blogging for a little over two months and when I look at my blog stats, one thing jumps right out at me. One of the first posts I wrote is titled Vulnerability: Strength or Weakness??, written exactly two months ago today. What stands out is that most blog posts are read in the first few days then rarely again. This post has remained as the top post overall since it was written and it wasn’t a “one day wonder”.There has been a steady stream of people viewing this post for two months! So I was planning to write a new post about it, but never thought it would turn out like this one…

I think we all are tired of hiding behind masks, covering our weaknesses and acting like we have it all together. We don’t want to, but we are so afraid. We can’t risk peeking out because it might shatter what we put so much of our hope and faith into. Hope and faith in superficial friendships, high paying jobs, or acceptance from others. We all have reasons and can rationalize it all. But when we step out in faith in Jesus, we can risk being vulnerable. In doing so, we touch others in ways that superficiality can never approach. So today I’m stepping out, because something incredible happened and I have to risk to share it.

Last night, my kids were all busy and I was home alone, so I decided to go to church. Paul was preaching the first week of a new series Struggling with God, teaching through the book of Habbakuk. What happens when what we know about God, (how He looks out for those who believe, how great He is, and how He will bring justice), collides with the reality that life doesn’t follow the rules? Good people get sick. Little babies die. People who are faithful to Jesus and to the words of the Bible suffer while wicked people seem to prosper and enjoy. It’s ok to cry out and question why…even prophets did…and we may never get the answers, but God will bring reason to everything.

Last night what I know about God collided head on with my life’s reality. While listening to the sermon, lots of memories started rolling around in my head. Like hearing a song on the radio that takes you back to a different time or the smell of cookies baking takes you to your grandma’s kitchen, my memories of life’s reality takes me back to some very difficult and dark places. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there. As we can’t stop how that song on the radio triggers good thoughts, I can’t stop what happens next when my thoughts are triggered. That’s what PTSD is all about. Flashbacks started, and my body’s automatic responses kicked in. When experiencing severe trauma, sometimes the body shifts into protection mode and tries to shut it all out. In my case a type of “zoning” or dissociation occurs, sort of like daydreaming to the extreme. I could feel the whole process starting…the memories, the flashbacks, the zoning…and there I was, sitting in the 4th row of church, in front of everyone. So, the anxiety began to mount. But of course, it’s not just a little anxiety. My body jumps into a big ‘ol panic attack. I can’t breathe; I can’t stand; I can’t let anyone know…I am so afraid that the flashbacks and zoning will get worse and I know I can’t stop it…which all leads to more anxiety and the whole thing is happening right there, in public, in front of everyone.

Throughout the years, I’ve found ways to shut down the flashbacks that start the whole cycle, none of which are the healthiest of choices. As I’ve learned to lean into Jesus and my faith has grown, those “crutches” have slowly been set aside, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to have this happen where anyone can see either! In my head I screamed, “God, why can’t this just end?! What else do I need to do? Why is it that the people who did all these terrible things to me have it easy and here I am, finally listening and obeying and learning and following….yet here I am falling apart and everyone will know?!” And the anxiety continued to grow…

Knowing this wasn’t ending, with the help of a couple of great people, I held it together enough to make it to my car and that’s when it all came clear. These memories, these flashbacks, the dissociation, the anxiety, the ways I learned to cope…I didn’t bring them on myself. They are the product of others’ decisions, their free will. In my years of hiding it all, Jesus was there next to me, wanting to step in and stop it all. But we have free will and in life there is evil. In life, terrible things happen to good people. In life, He could step in and stop it all. There just doesn’t seem to be a reason why He would allow these things. But, slowly He has revealed Himself to me, replacing my “crutches” and giving reason to my suffering. Slowly He has shown me that in living through many horrible experiences, He is still right here with me. I can trust Him. No matter what life brings, I can trust that He is here. Yes, I would love to be free of all of this. I wish I would never, ever go through the effects of PTSD and abuse again, but last night I realized that I don’t think it will ever stop. But it is what it is. Just like He was sitting next to me with a tear in His eye every time I went through each and every incident of abuse, He is now sitting next to me as I let down my guard, become vulnerable, expose my struggles, and move on to help others.

I was once crushed. I was at the lowest of lows. If you had told me 15, 5, or even 2 years ago that today I would be sharing stories and accepting that the effects are part of my life, I would have laughed at you and said you were crazy. I wanted them to be gone! I wanted to be able to say, “yes, this is what it was, but it’s history, never happens anymore”. I have hoped, prayed, cried out, screamed and swore and now I accept it because He is here and He will give my life, my experiences, and my suffering purpose. I know that…because it’s already happening.