A lost friend…a friend lost

I’m not sure why, but the past couple weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about my friend, Chris. I met Chris when I was very young. Our families were friends and got together often. We had picnics, played games, and had some good times. Chris was always the active, friendly, happy-go-lucky type of kid. Then one day it all changed. His older brother shot himself. His family was forever changed…and so was Chris.

I remember my parents talking about it, saying how Chris’ parents weren’t the same and they weren’t fun to be around. My parents said they ”never got over it”, and I remember we didn’t see them much anymore. I was too young to do anything about it, but I missed hanging out with Chris and his family. I lost touch with Chris until years later when our paths happen to cross. He was the same friendly, happy-go-lucky guy…as least on the surface. We were both in our teens, doing all the things that teens do–working, hanging out together, talking about who we wanted to date and what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives. Chris’ life had changed after his brother died. He no longer felt like part of his family. I never was part of mine. We had a lot in common.

We would talk for hours. We were just friends, but we were good friends. We could trust each other. We could be ourselves. We were both searching. I remember one night sitting in his truck talking forever and the next thing we knew, the sun was coming up and I needed to get the car home so my father could get to work! Pulling in the garage with my father standing there waiting, I knew it wasn’t good…and it wasn’t. But it was worth it. That was the last conversation I had with Chris.

That night we had talked about a lot of things. We had talked about life and talked about his brother. It was the first time he had ever talked about him. He missed him a lot. We promised each other we would always be friends. We made a pact that we would stick together. That didn’t happen. He followed in his brother’s footsteps…he killed himself too.

I know he couldn’t break away from the pain of losing his brother and his family. He had turned to alcohol and drugs and had struggled. I don’t think he chose to die, I just think he couldn’t live anymore. He struggled with his past and there are many people, including myself, who still do. I don’t know if I could have done more. Reaching out, getting involved, being real…maybe it will stop one life from ending the way Chris’ did. More than twenty years later it still hurts to have lost a friend.