What faith can do

If you could see me trying to stand and walk this morning, you would think I was at least 80 years old! Not only am I rehabbing a knee from surgery, but I started working out again at the gym. Not a big deal, unless of course you realize that I haven’t worked out in…well, let’s just say way too long. I live with pain and have for many years. Most days it’s a 2-3 on a scale of 1-10, but today the day is starting out at about an 8. I would love to take some pain meds, crawl back into bed and pretend the day hasn’t yet started. I would love to quit the workouts, which in turn would drop some of the pain. However, I know that in order to get through this hurdle, I have to do just that…get through it.

Maybe you can’t relate to feeling physical pain every day, but you know what it’s like to experience emotional pain. Maybe your emotional pain is a constant ache or maybe today it’s even an ‘8′. I’ve been there. Most days used to have an underlying pain, hurt and depression. I had learned to live with it, or at least tolerate it. Other days it consumed me, forcing me to limp through the day unable to focus on anything but that pain. When I really ‘crashed’, every day became a struggle to even stand. I was overwhelmed with depression and hopelessness and wanted nothing more than to numb myself, curl back up into a ball and shut out the world. Some days I did just that. But the only way I truly made it through the pain to the ‘other side’ was just that…get through it.

Like any workout plan toward improved health, the first weeks are the toughest. Good friends helped me through those dark days (and like physical pain, sometimes we need medical help too), but what brought true healing was trusting and surrendering my life to the only one who could truly bring full healing, Jesus. My faith didn’t suddenly appear one day, it was definitely a process. Like getting physically ‘fit’, it doesn’t happen overnight. If God can take a broken, hopeless, searching and overwhelmed person trapped in the darkest place anyone can be like me, to become a person with peace beyond circumstance, confidence regardless of situation, and hope that overtakes the pain, He can do it for you too.

I’ve been hearing the new song What Faith Can Do by Kutless a lot lately. I love it because it describes my ’story’. The pain may not ever totally disappear, but faith can get you through it to the other side that’s waiting. Check it out…

Just ’stuff’

I haven’t written much lately. It’s simply that I’m processing through a lot of ’stuff’–good stuff, bad stuff, stuff happening to me, stuff happening to others–just stuff. Here’s an update of what’s been going on in my life and in my head!!

I’m so darn proud of my 3 guys! My oldest has his own successful & honest business, will be graduating soon from college with more degrees & certificates than they can put in the computer, has a wonderful girlfriend, and is about to step out of his teen years and into the 20’s! My middle son is my ‘mr. fix-it’ helping to remodel our house, is stepping up on the leadership teams in a local youth group & for the FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) at his high school, also has a wonderful girlfriend and has recently submitted all his college applications! My youngest is the wittiest & quickest thinking kid you’ll ever meet, is often seen helping neighbors with yardwork, is very active in youth group and FCA and is the type of guy who has determination to step up to any challenge! I may be biased, but these are the best 3 guys any mom could hope for–I love them so much!!

Ministry is happening in so many ways. From continuing to mentor a young single mom to chatting about Christianity to a college-aged young man to connecting with a 20-something recovering drug addict mom to talking ‘church’ with an 80 year old couple, and so many more, being open to God working in any situation has opened incredible doors to great relationships. Though I continue to be available to help other church plants, we’ve made a decision to fully ‘jump in’ at Rivers Crossing Community Church. Youth group, Celebrate Recovery, Joshua’s Place, River Kids…all areas we’re jumping in and loving what God is doing! I don’t know where it all goes, but jumping in and ‘getting hands dirty’ is exactly where we need to be!

Another surgery…I had another knee surgery (that makes 4 on the knees & 12 total–not looking forward to #13!). I’m impatient for full-as-possible recovery so I can get back to doing all the things I love to do…though a little dose of reality hit that I may never do that 1/2 marathon I set as a goal. I am however, very motivated to get in even better shape than I’ve ever been!

I’ve been working 2 part-time PT jobs. I work in a school one day a week and do home health visits with older adults on some of the other days. The school is an hour drive away and I’m not getting as many home visits as I want, but doing this allows for flexibility to look at ministry opportunities! Yes, this means that money continues to be very tight, but it’s amazing how God continues to provide all we need!! I’ve always worked with kids and I’m finding I really enjoy working with older patients. As I’ve been working in home health, I’m learning so much about people–it’s great (though I do seem to get all the overachievers who tend to overdo their rehab exercises…not sure why )

I’m seeing friends’ marriages fall apart and moral failure. It seems like these things happen in ‘waves’ and it has been a big wave the past few months! My heart breaks for those who give in to temptations and for those hurt by others’ choices. I pray for families and the kids, who will be forever scarred. I pray for those who were on the fence about Christians who now will walk away as they see their leadership fall. It’s not supposed to be this way!

Friends…friends…friends. It’s an incredible feeling when friends are there when you really need them–whether it’s for help, an unexpected visit, advice, a good laugh, or even a ‘wake-up call’. It’s also incredibly difficult when those you thought would be there simply aren’t. What have I learned? I want to be a friend that a friend would like to have and I’m working hard at making that happen! I’m not where I want to be, but I am moving forward…

No promises, but I think I’m feeling the urge to write again…I hope you’ll continue to follow along on this crazy journey called my life!!

Love or convenience?

Part of this I wrote in a post over 2 years ago.

Have you ever desperately desired something, yet been incredibly afraid to get it? Maybe you’re afraid what you hope for isn’t going to be as good as you thought. Or maybe you are afraid it will be even better than you ever could have imagined, and you’re scared that once you get it, you will lose it. Whoever said, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” must not have lost. When you don’t know the depth of what is possible, you don’t invest as much of yourself. When you know what you’re losing, it hurts a lot more.

What is familiar is expected and easy. If you know rejection, you know the routine. If you know loss, you know how to deal with it. Even if it’s not pleasant and your way of coping isn’t the best choice, it’s familiar. When you venture out and take a chance it’s downright scary. It’s a huge risk and it doesn’t always end the way we want.

I’ve always wanted to hang glide. I can imagine that it would be the most incredible feeling, soaring over the beauty below and simply floating on air. The most difficult part would be taking off. It’s tough to put everything on the line and let it all go. There’s a chance that the equipment would fail. There’s a chance that I would never get off the ground and never experience the flight. I could then only imagine what the gliding would have been. But if I took off and the feeling was more breathtaking than I could have ever dreamed, I would savor every second and never want it to end. And then it happens…the conditions change and the ride ends unexpectedly early. What I hoped could go on forever suddenly was gone. Experiencing the incredible, then losing it, leaves me longing more than if I had not known the feeling at all.

If all you know is rejection and loss, you can only imagine what acceptance and love feels like. Then it happens. Someone comes along and you begin to allow them to break down the walls. They know who you are, what you struggle with, where your heart is, and help you experience feelings you could only have dreamed. It’s better than you could ever have imagined. You feel love. You feel honest love from friends, a Christian love that you know is real. You imagine this is what people call ‘family’ and the friendships that others write about. You let down your defenses and savor every second of the feeling. You want those people to always be right there. You don’t want it to ever change. And then it happens…the conditions change and the ride ends unexpectedly early. It hurts a lot more when you have felt the depth of what is possible. Experiencing the incredible, then losing it, leaves you longing for more. But it also leaves you wondering if you can, or are willing, to ever take the chance again.

Maybe flying isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…and maybe love doesn’t really exist. Yet, I know I’m capable of loving. I know it every single day when I think of my guys, my sons who are now incredible young men. I’m committed to them, I would die for them, I love them. Are other people just as capable, just as committed? Am I willing to share this commitment with friends? Are you?

But what about friends? Is it truly possible for people to look beyond themselves to make a commitment to another person? We label people we know as ‘friend’ that we’ve only just met. We have facebook friends who we’ve never seen. How are we to know when someone says, “I’m proud to be your friend” that they won’t turn away tomorrow? Or even further, when those ‘friends’ become like ‘family’, what does that really mean? Is it a commitment or is it just convenient for the time? Sure, there are seasons for friendships, but is that all there is? Are the words ‘friend’ or ‘family’ simply empty cliches that fade when it’s not as ‘convenient’?

It’s easy to walk away when your friend has problems. It’s easy to overlook the problems instead of helping them face the consequences to heal. It’s easy to move on and blame a disconnect on distance. It’s easy to say we’re too busy. It takes a friend to honestly confront…and stay around. It takes a friend to drop everything, if only for a phone call or email or text message to give support. It takes a friend to be intentional about keeping in touch, even if things aren’t exactly as they used to be.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether I’m a good friend or not. Can I do a lot better? Am I a friend a friend would like to have? What about you? It’s not about gathering the most friends, it’s about making the most with the friends you have. Is this the way it’s supposed to be or am I missing something? Life is too short. We need people who we can count on, people who will be there when we fail and celebrate when we win. I need that…and I know I can’t be the only one who does.

Your thoughts?

Baptism–ALL IN!

I had never been baptized by immersion. Yes, I believe in Jesus and who He is. Yes, I’ve given my life to following His leading. Yes, I’ve been baptized. But, today I was baptized by immersion.

As an infant, I was baptized in church. It wasn’t my choice, it was simply something that my parents did. Church wasn’t real to me, just something that I had to do on some Sundays. I knew God existed, but that was it.

As an adult, I began to search and know Jesus, but I couldn’t fully trust in Him. One day I made a decision to fully trust Christ and to give up all my old ‘crutches’ that I had learned to rely on. ‘Crutches’ like alcohol, eating disorders, self-injury, etc. I made a commitment, accepted Jesus into my life and continued to heal and move forward. In the church I was in, because I had been baptized before, it was baptism, but more of a re-dedication. Immersion was not required, yet in my heart it didn’t matter. I listened and obeyed, never a second thought about the decision I had made.

This past year has been one of the toughest and one of the most frustrating in so many ways. I left a job, house, familiarity to move to another state to help start a church plant. People, situations, plans…nothing seemed to go ‘as planned’. The past 9-10 months I’ve been in the middle of shattered dreams, uncertainty, disillusionment and disappointment. Yet, I’ve also met some great people, been able to have impact on lives and gained confidence in myself. I’ve often simply asked God to let me feel His presence and let me know I’m on the right path. I never expected things to be perfect because I made the decision to follow, but somewhere inside I thought that if i was listening and following, it might not be so difficult.

I’ve learned to discern and focus on what I’ve been called to. I’ve learned to listen and obey without adding in my expectations. I’ve learned that I don’t need to see the entire path, simply the next step to take. I’ve learned that God is in control and when I know He is telling me to step, I have to trust and step.

So, why baptism today? As I’ve gained clarity over the past months, it’s as if I’ve recommitted again. I never stopped following, in fact just the opposite, I ‘took it to the next level’. It was a realization in my heart that even after following and obeying and things ‘not working out’, even if I never understand, even if life never gets ‘easy’…I will still trust and obey. I’m ‘all in’. For me baptism today, by immersion, was symbolic of going ‘all in’. I knew that God had nudged me. I knew I had to obey and I felt it in my heart. I had learned to trust that God wasn’t going to ‘bail’ on me and now I know I’ll never ‘bail’ on Him.

Good, bad or indifferent–no matter the circumstances–I’m ‘all in’ and it’s awesome!!!

Stand by Me

I just had the coolest thing happen…got a picture/music text message from a friend that when I opened it these words played:

I won’t be afraid, no I won’t be afraid…just as long as you stand by me…

Yes, it was ‘Stand By Me’ by Ben E. King. So what’s the big deal? The text was from my friend ‘Diane’ who I first wrote about in the post A Different World, nearly 3 years ago! Over the past few years, ‘Diane’ has gone from a very lost, very troubled young lady trapped in a world of sex, drugs, drinking and living from one place to another. She was in a destructive relationship as a mother with a little girl trapped in the middle of it all.

We had connected years before that, before she started the downward spiral. As she began slipping, most people rejected her. Most wrote her off and most wanted nothing to do with her. But, something kept me wanting to stay connected. Although there were months that passed where she ‘disappeared’ and we had no contact, she would always reconnect. During those times, I always feared I would get a call from her in trouble, from jail, or even worse. I prayed and prayed that I could have some impact, but all I could hold onto were those little connections. I wrote about her again in the post “Moving into” a different world. God kept pushing me and I kept listening and following…sometimes needing extra nudges, but He always won out.

Today we are in frequent contact–phone calls, text messages, and I visit when I get back up to NY. She has a job, is in a healthy relationship, is free of ‘addictions’ and has 2 children who are in a home where they are loved. She’s not perfect, and neither are any of us, but she is on a completely different path today. Have I had anything to do with the changes? I like to think so…and she tells me I have. But the song she text me really says it all. To stand by a friend, through the good and bad, when they fail and when they succeed. To stand by your word to love them, to defend them, to be honest with them, and to accept them. To stand by, that’s it, to stand by and be there to give courage and support. To not walk away or shun or be too busy or make excuses why you’re not there.

Someone you know needs you to simply stand by them, so that they can step out and begin to soar. That text a few minutes ago made my day. I continue to pray for ‘Diane’. I know she’s still searching, and I know that one day she’ll find exactly what she’s looking for…I want to be there when it happens!

What about you? Who needs you today and what are you waiting for?

Scavenger hunt for God

There has been a  ‘crazy’ thing happening inside of me over the past few months. Crazy because it doesn’t make sense, yet at the same time it makes perfect sense…I told you it was ‘crazy’!

Every day I wake up and ask God to lead my next steps. A year ago I thought I had it all figured out. I had moved, was part of a church planting team and it looked like the path was pretty well paved. I trusted God.

The past 8 months have been anything but a well-paved path. I’ve prayed, listened, stepped forward…and there continues to be complete uncertainty to where God is calling me. I know each step I’ve taken has been the right one at the time. There have been perfectly good paths that I’ve passed by, knowing they were not the right ones for me. There have been doors that have opened and then seemingly closed.

Each path I’ve walked on and each door I’ve stepped through has taught me something…about people, about Jesus or about myself. I often feel like I’m on a scavenger hunt getting one clue at a time, knowing when I’ve got the right next clue, but then continuing onto the next, never knowing when or where the hunt ends.

So what’s ‘crazy’ about this? The crazy part is I have been right smack in the middle of total uncertainty, yet my faith in the love and leading of Christ continues to grow every day. In the midst of complete unknown, I am calm and I know that God will provide…the steps, the path, and all I need. Through every step I have taken, he has. As I’ve listened and followed and thought I could see the end of ‘the hunt’, I’ve been disappointed, frustrated, confused…and confident I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

God has the answers. He knows where it ends. I’m working on the next clue and looking forward to finding out where it all leads ’cause it’s going to be fantastic. It may lead to another clue or it may lead to the ‘prize’ at the end…either way, it’s an amazing journey and one that I totally trust God has under control, no matter how ‘crazy’ it may seem to be.